mikayla

mikayla_m @ 2008-08-05T13:16:00

2008-08-05T18:17:55Z

i haven't been on this is so long, and i really need to update update, but i need to put this down now before i ever forget about it, because this is just too epic to let fly under the radar.

most fucked up situation ever:

i am buying an oz of weed
for my boss
who is 47 years old
from the guy i'm fucking

there are so many things wrong with this picture.

my first kegger, and then another party after that

2008-06-15T20:16:59Z

I am a trashy drunk.
I know this about myself. That's why, usually, I try to monitor and control the amount of liquor I put in my body, and make sure that I don't drink too much so as to embarrass or otherwise harm myself.

However, every once in awhile I let loose, drink too much, and let what happens happen.

These are the reasons why that mighhhttt not be such a good idea:

--Kissing more people than I can count, or remember.
--Getting pissed and then subsequently harrassing the ex via text
--Calling the ex (thank god he didn't pick up)
--Yelling at the buttboy
--Telling numerous people that yes, indeed, he and I DID hook up, thank you. (Wasn't that still supposed to be a secret?)
--Eating more in an hour than I had in three days (literally)
--Passing out (luckily I found a bed. Or rather, one was found for me)

Oh gosh.
As Carrie said, everyone's got to have a big night once in awhile.
I might get teased about this one for awhile though. haha. shit.

On a side note, because this list just reminded me:
Uh, the ex. Literally, I let myself be duped by him again. How ridiculous.
We were supposed to meet up (first time in like 5 months), and he bailed on me. It's not that I don't understand his conflict, it's just the way he handled the situation. Rudely and...well....typically. I had actually thought that he seemed accountable and honest and even maybe responsible. So wrong!
So fuck that shit, I can't believe I put myself even somewhat in a situation like that again.
Deleted the number. No more.

mikayla_m @ 2008-06-08T09:54:00

2008-06-08T14:57:24Z

--I love summer.
--I have been getting fucked up wayyyy too much.
--I'm a homewrecker.
--I'm too okay with that.
--I can't find a job- and I've actually tried.
--There are more cuties in this town than I had previously thought.
--I'm having a party today.
--So, I'm getting fucked up again.

I kind of love my life right now.

mikayla_m @ 2008-06-02T00:01:00

2008-06-02T05:05:22Z

I'm pretty tipsy right now so please excuse any typing errors.

I am having too much fucking fun.
It's summer, officially, and I'm loving it.

I went to prom on friday, it was pretty good (though not as good as MORP), but was great cause I met a shitload of people.
Then on Saturday everyoneee went to the beach, and I got so shitty crunk and met even more people.
And then tonight I went out yet again and met even more people.

And now it's Sunday night, and I'm pretty drunk and in an hour I'm going to go smoke a blunt on the golfcourse with a kid I literally JUST met, and I'm feeling good and loving life and am soooo happy it's summer.

I just accidentally stubbed my toe and like, broke half my toenail off though.
And I still need to fucking lose 5 pounds. Maybe 10.
Probably 10.

Whatever. Summer. Woo.

mikayla_m @ 2008-05-29T23:34:00

2008-05-30T04:43:12Z

I graduated highschool. (I don't think that's really quite sunk in yet.)
My room is a disaster.
Prom 2 is tomorrow.
I'm blonde now. Well, very light brown. Okay, blonde.
It's good to be home.
I need to lose five pounds.

I fucking love that Miley Cyrus song.
So much so that I'm going to put the chorus in here. Not that it has ANY relevance to anything.
It's just so fucking catchy.

"The last time I freaked out, I just kept looking down,
I st-st-stuttered when you asked me what I'm thinkin' bout
Felt like I couldn't breathe, you asked what's wrong with me
My best friend Lesley said, "Oh she's just being Miley!"
The next time we hang out, I will redeem myself
My heart it can rest till then, whoa! whoa! I,
I can't wait to see you again."

Dude I need some summer lovin'.
And not from he-who-keeps-calling.
On a related note, why am I suddenly such an ex-magnent? They're like flies to a carcass.
Not that I'm comparing myself to a carcass. But you get the picture.

mikayla_m @ 2008-05-22T12:20:00

2008-05-22T16:23:09Z

It just hit me.
I was making my bed and found myself silently weeping into the sheets.

My walls are so bare.
My shelves are so empty.

I feel like I'm going to throw up.

what goes around

2008-05-19T23:15:46Z

Too good.

That's it.

mikayla_m @ 2008-05-18T21:23:00

2008-05-19T02:03:18Z

This morning, I woke up and ate more than I had basically all week:
Omelette, muffin, latte, hot chocolate, tea, 6 mini desserts.
Then I felt like I was going to die for a good two hours.
Then I ran for an hour and a half.
Then I did it again:
Pulled pork, beans, onions, salad, cake, filipino dessert, bratwurst, chips and hummus, grapes, strawberries, grapes, and grapes.

And now, once again, I feel like I'm going to die.
Hahaha god. This "omg you're graduating--last chance!" stuff is killing me.
NO MORE.
2 weeks until Prom!
Workin on my fitness. And my thinness. Startingggg now.

Shit I need to call the pet store.
*DAMN IT DAD.
Ruining my fun.
It would have been the BEST PRANK EVER.
I should call Mom....

mikayla_m @ 2008-05-11T21:55:00

2008-05-12T02:01:54Z

Things I hate:

Flakey people
When someone steps on my heels, even accidentally
Ignorance
Being bloated
Bad grammar
Gaining weight
Lots of work
Having to wear a coat in May

personal documentation

2008-05-06T22:42:11Z

Don't ask why, but today I thought it would be a good idea to catalogue all the bands that I have seen live.
I figure this will be a nice thing to have in the future, to remember my childhood and to say to my kids "When I was your age...."

I've only counted bands that are signed to record labels, and that I've seen in a legitimate venue, which I had to pay money to enter.
All the shows from my scene days don't count, those weren't legitimate.

So here goes, for future reference purposes:

* denotes seen at a festival
II- multiple times (each "I" for times seen)

--Ambulance Ltd.
--The Black Keys *
--Bright Eyes
--Britney Spears
--Cher
--Circle Takes the Square
--The Cure *
--Daft Punk *
--Death Cab For Cutie- II
--Elton John
--The Faint
--The Fall of Troy
--The Format
--Franz Ferdinand- II
--Head Automatica *
--Hot Hot Heat
--The Hush Sound
--Iggy and the Stooges *
--Interpol- IIII **
--The Killers
--The Kings of Leon
--Madonna
--Muse- III *
--The Police
--The Rapture- II **
--The Rolling Stones
--The Roots *
--The Secret Machines
--Sons and Daughters
--The Strokes
--U2
--Yeah Yeah Yeahs *

I feel like I'm missing some.
I'll add if I remember I guess.

rant (don't read this if you are easily offended)

2008-05-04T17:36:20Z

This might sound ridiculous and conceited and horrible to some of you (however many of you read this I'm not sure), but this is my journal so I'll say what I want.
This isn't meant to be taken as a narcissistic rant. It's something that has crossed my mind a lot recently and I'm just going to put it out there.

Sometimes, it really sucks to be so pretty.
       I know, I know, I should be thankful, and I am. I'm lucky enough to have been blessed with good genes. Sometimes being pretty really has it's advantages: I can get free stuff, I can charm my way out of precarious situations, I have a greater pick of the litter in terms of guys. Though I'm all for the whole "beauty is only skin deep" thing, we truly live in a vain and shallow culture, and sometimes it is nice to know that I conform to certain standards and expectations.
But sometimes, it's really annoying.
       I've found recently that I can't go out to eat without being hit on by waiters, bartenders, etc. Last week I went out to eat with my girlfriends and was brazenly and innappropriately hit on all throughout dinner, much to my embarrassment and discomfort. Today I went out to breakfast alone, with the intention of reading my book and having some peace and quiet. I took a seat at the coffee bar so as not to hog a whole table by myself, as the place was crowded. Instead of being a help to the bustle of the restaurant by denying myelf a table, I chose an innoportune stop which hindered myself and my own time. Instead of being able to retreat to my own little world, I was chatted up the entire time by the guy making coffee. I'm too polite to say "Look, please leave me alone," but when he suggested that we go to the dunes together sometime, I really hit a wall.
       I hate that I when go running, the one time that I'm trying to really be in me-mode, and be completely focused and lost in my own world and my own power, I have to deal with immature and rude men honking at me or ogling me as they drive by.
       I hate that people take me and my intelligence for granted. Yes, sometimes I can use my looks to my advantage, but in academic situations I rely completely on my brain power and my own natural social aptitude. I'm not making doe eyes at the teacher and I'm not trying to be sexy and I'm not trying to flirt. I'm sure that those who only know me in passing, or casually, think that I can't be smart because I look the way I do. People are often surprised to find out that I test so well, or that, hey, I actually got a higher grade than them in a class.
       I hate when my friends or people I know comment on my looks and say "god I hate you." Excuse me. It's not my fault that my parents were genetically compatible and I came out looking the way I do. Don't envy me because of pure chance. I don't consider myself to be on a pedestal, and I feel uncomfortable a lot of the time that you draw attention to it in that manner. An occasional compliment is always appreciated, yes, but I hate when people whine over my appearance and try comparing themselves to me in a negative light.
       Another thing I hate, is when people pull the whole "oh my god you're so skinny I hate you" card. I have an attractive face, okay I get that, and that's natural, but two years ago my body was anything but. I was about 20 pounds heavier and didn't care about my physicality or health. Since then I have busted my ass to lose weight and get healthy. I run five miles a day, I work out and lift weights for half an hour, and I try taking the long way when I'm walking from place to place. I watch what I eat, try to drink a lot of water, eat a lot of fruit, and take account for my health and bodily needs.  Looking the way I currently do was not an easy proccess. I've worked every day for the body I have currently, and I don't want to hear your "god I'm so jealous" rants. I was the girl who couldn't run a mile without stopping.  To have people assume that I'm anorexic or naturally toned or just "freaking lucky" is so aggrivating. I've worked for health, and I've gotten it, and in the proccess have aquired an "attractive" build. But any single one of you can get one too. It's just about hard work, dedication, and determination. And though this may contradicts some things I've said above, I wouldn't change the way I look now just so I can get hit on less or whatever. This is me healthy. I've never felt better. I have more energy, more dexterity, more strength, and I wouldn't give that up.

I'm not trying to whine and pull the poor-pitiful-me card. I understand that I am very fortunate and am thankful and what have you.
But it's not always easy being the pretty girl. Really, it's not.
And I think people don't really realize that. Beauty is a double-edged sword, and while there are those of us that are perfectly content with being skin deep, I'm a lot more than that, and I feel like that gets forgotten.

I've been so productive!

2008-05-03T01:17:23Z

*I wrote a kick-ass "please let me in" letter to Johns Hopkins and mailed it.
*I called the place I want to get a job at this summer. They are awaiting my resume.
*I got references for my applications.
*I wrote a kick-ass "give me an intership" letter, and just mailed it to four independent record labels based in Chicago (Drag City, Touch and Go, Thrill Jockey, File 13).

I hope I get an internship somewhere. That would just be so awesome. It would make for an even more amazing summer than it's already going to be.
I'm so glad that I've actually motivated myself and got all of this done.
I'm ready for summerrrrrr.

This is all bittersweet though. Every day I move closer to summer, I move closer to leaving my best friends behind.
Agh.

My mom has some pictures from her trip to the North Pole online, on National Geographic (Traveler).
Check them out if you're interested. Here.
Apparently she's the only one not wearing red. So look for that. haha.

P.S. You know what's funny?
When your ex-boyfriend's new girlfriend is such a creeper that she adds you as a friend on facebook. Obviously just so she can lurk your pictures. Haaaa.  (Insecure much?)
Nuh uh, not playing that game. Drama-free is the way to be.

(And thank god that isn't me anymore. Let me just keep reiterating that.)

I'm so lucky, lucky! I'm so lucky, lucky!

2008-04-29T02:17:21Z

Last night was prom (or morp, whatever), and it was fantastic.
I think it'll be a good thing to remember in the future that I can have all kinds of awesome fun while still being completely sober.
I am really, really going to miss it here come graduation.
(Which is in about 26 days.)

I sent in my deposit to SMU.
I had a completely random and sudden change of heart the other day. I literally woke up and thought "Mikayla what are you thinking?! Why haven't you been considering SMU this whole time?!" Cue desperate scramble to get my affairs in order.
So, if Johns Hopkins doesn't work out, I think I'm going there.
There's still time to deposit to Boston though, so we'll see. I'll know for sure by Wednesday.
But ahhhh. Texas. Crazy. Never in a million years did I see myself ending up in Texas.

I'm happy, healthy (save these killer allergies), and hopping.
Love life.
I'm so lucky. (I'm so lovely.)

The absolute loves of my life

Table (minus a few)

Our dates. Haha purely platonic.

We took a ton of these

Bowling

I put my hands up and said "enough is enough, if you walk away I'll walk away."

2008-04-21T16:04:28Z

I have kept a letter in my wallet for almost two years.
It will be two years May 9th.
I wrote it to Xander when he was at rehab.
What it details isn't important. I guess it's kind of beautiful. Poetic, if you will.
What's important is that I cleaned out my wallet today, and re-discovered it.
I'm about to go outside, walk over to the dumpster outside of MB, and throw it away.
And that will be the absolute last thing I have of his. And then I'll be done with all of it.

It feels really, really good.

Thank god I found me again.

realllllly?

2008-04-20T14:44:05Z

I swear to god, guys here are some of the most ridiculous things I have ever encountered.
They don't function like the real world. They truly don't know how to interact with females. They don't know how to react to green lights and open invitations.
(This is a generalized statement.   Of course there are a few exceptions.)
The most ridiculous and hilarious thing happened, and if I had been in the real world, at a real school, I'm sure I would have had the exact opposite outcome.
Oh well, what can you do? Not losing sleep, I just find it ubsurd and kind of great. (And by great I mean pathetically laughable.)

Actually, guys in general are a connundrum.
Got the token "Just checking in to see how you're doing" text from the ex. Ha.

Man I can't wait until this summer.

Today is 420 and I am so not celebrating and that is so unfortunate.
Instead I'm sitting outside and doing homework and finishing job applications and letters all day.

Whatever. I'm having fun and things are going good.
It's been amazing beautiful here recently; mid-high 60's and sunny.
I miss my mom. We've been getting along like crazy recently, and I really really just want to see her. She might come up this weekend. I really hope she does and in the event that she does, I am really looking forward to it. I also hope she brings my dogs. That would be kickass.

mikayla_m @ 2008-04-16T23:03:00

2008-04-17T03:07:21Z

foxy.

(be more outgoing? more friendly? more aggressive? check. check. check.)

mikayla_m @ 2008-04-13T09:31:00

2008-04-13T13:40:48Z

--I have motivation again.
--I'm attracted to people I shouldn't be attracted to.
--I'm spend (maybe too) much of my time with gay men.
--The computer isn't my main form of entertainment anymore.
--I'm a running machine.
--My abs are getting killer.
--I've stopped moping.
--I'm single and loving it.
--I'm in love with my friends.
--I don't hate it here anymore.
--I'm so excited for this summer.
--I'm so excited for next year.
--Doyle and Bakara and Kelton are living in Boston too.
--Maryland is still an option.
--It is too fucking early to be updating the livejournal.

I am so undeniably and completely happy. Satisfied.

Finally.

[I keep having day dreams (an actual dream last night) where you end up in jail. They're some of the most satisfying, completely affirming thoughts I've had of late. I don't wish that on you, but it's so plausible; and just would be the icing on my cake.]

Dad's here this weekend.
Good man.

Greek Life

2008-04-11T03:59:04Z

We started a sorority.

Kappa Kappa Sigma Pi Phi: Nu Mu Chapter.

I'm Chapter Head.

More on this later.
It's going to be sweet.

ahahahhahahaha.

I DID IT!

2008-04-06T15:22:20Z

I SAVED STEPHEN!!!!!!!

After months where I thought he was going to die, I worked him so hard, monitored his water, kept him by the window, and now...
HE'S STARTED FLOWERING AGAIN!
It's been like 6 months since he's flowered. I thought all hope was lost.
BUT I DID IT!

This is like a metaphor for my life.

Everything is going really, really freaking great.
I'm even psyched as hell about Boston.

Check out the fucking awesome pants I got yesterday:

An extravagant purchase, but totally worth it.
Fuck yeah.

It's probably time to update...

2008-04-04T03:44:26Z

I'm pretty satisfied with my life right now. The happier I am, the less I feel the need to document it, it seems.
So livejournal might take a back seat as the summer approaches.
Who knows.
I'm going to put this thing back to public view. If I have anything really private I'll just block those entries.
I don't care who sees my shit anymore. I don't have any huge drama and I'm by no means shy.
Plus, I really don't think many people lurk this. I'm just NOT that exciting.

Belize:
Absolutely awesome. I have hundreds of pictures and a head full of memories, so I don't really need to jot much down to remember it.
We saw a jaguar. You only have a 1 in 17,000 chance of seeing one, and we did. Badass.
I'm not a camping person. I've realized this about myself. And I really don't like birds that much. Not very much at all, actually.
I have to write down these quotes. They basically sum up the high points of my trip, and will aid in future memories. They won't make sense to anyone else, but this is my space so whatever.
"Ghet-to. Ghet-to. Nuh-uh. Ghet-to!"
"Obsession." "Mr. Tavner."
"Is he naughty?"
"Mr. Tavner is....the hot chick."
"Do you have booties?" "Yessss I have booties." "No I didn't mean it like that..." "I didn't either!"
"I'm gonna drop a deuce in your sink."

Ah fuck I had fun.
SPRING BREAK '08 WOOOOO.

Now:
I'm back at school.
And BUSTING MY ASS.
I have to get all A's this semester. That's going to be impossible due to my grades from last quarter, but I'm going to try as hard as I possibly can. I've been buckling down, and I'm prepared to work my ass off.
I basically started teaching myself calculus yesterday. After almost a year of being able to skate by with help from my friends.
I started practicing piano again. It's humbling to realize how much I fucking suck now.  I was basically awesome when I was twelve years old and now I'm "early intermediate."  I never should have stopped. Hopefully it'll come back to me quickly.

I'm happy, I think. Yeah.
College is kind of a connundrum right now--more on that another day--but other than that, I'm enjoying the warmer weather, the sun, and (weirdly enough) the hard work. Buckling down and setting my mind to something is good for me. That said, I'm also finally letting myself have a social life here. Or at least trying to. I'm at least leaving my dorm. Either way, I think I'm much better as a driven workaholic than a senoritis-plagued emotional wreck.
Speaking of emotional wreck: I'm still single, and so much happier. As each day goes by I realize more and more how absolutely horrible that "relationship" was. It was so unhealthy. I was so unhealthy. It absolutely ravaged my psyche, my body, my relationships with others, everything. I will never, ever put myself in a situation like that again. Never.
I just can't believe it took me this long to realize.

More another day. I have to study now.
Look at me go.

Fuck yeah.

burst

2008-04-01T02:52:46Z

I AM NOT INFALLIBLE!

I AM NOT PERFECT. I AM NOT THE BEST. I AM NOT THE SMARTEST. I AM NOT THE MOST QUALIFIED. I AM NOT THE BEST LOOKING. I AM NOT THE MOST DESERVING.
I AM NOT PERFECT.

But I try. I fucking try.
I have tried so hard.
I thought it was good enough.

I have nothing to show for it.
Nothing that I wanted.

FUCK.

That's the last negative thing I'm ever going to say about this.

From now on:

NEW LIFE.
Go forward. Be strong. Flourish.

I cannot believe it has come to this.

2008-02-06T03:34:25Z

Heads up:

As cool as lurking seems,
The surprises regarding who is reading my thoughts is becoming quite overwhelming.
I'm done.

So...Friends only.
Comment to be added.

(Sorry Ryan)

mikayla_m @ 2008-01-04T18:15:00

2008-01-05T00:36:10Z

Woo livejournal!

I'm back in the states and ragin'. If "ragin'" constitutes passing out at 9 pm due to jet lag.
Paris and London were great. Paris definetly more so than London, but whatever.
All I did was eat and walk. Seriously. We walked so much that at the end of every day my entire body was tired. But every 2 or so hours we would stop and eat the most delicious things. Europeans know where it's at. Food, clothes, culture. Well, not the Brits so much. Everyone else though, most especially the French. They all look so great, so put together. Even the ugly people still manage to look amazing. They have fantastic shoes, tailored pants, and suave coats. Nice purses too. (I saw more than one beautiful person with my YSL bag and felt elite.) And our hotel in Paris, the Ritz, fucking fantastic, which should be a given considering the price-- which is outlandish to say the least. Every day there would be a small crowd of people outside our hotel, cameras in hand, either taking pictures by the Ferrari which was parked outside all week, or hoping to catch a glimpse of some famous person exiting. I'm not sure if there was anyone famous there while we were there, though I think so, because one night there were some 150 people crowded outside our hotel with cameras, looking overly eager.  Yes it's superficial, yes it's pretty ridiculous, but it is fun to be staying at a place associated with the kind of things and people the Ritz is associated with. I can't say I'm ever going to roll with that class, or even that I necessarily want to have that lifestyle, but it's fun to play along every once in a while.
Did I mention everyone in France dresses impeccably? And no one is fat. I saw about two fat people the whole time I was there. I miss that here: thin, classy-looking people.
And yeah, England was nice too. But colder, with much more standard food, and an Americanized feel. The Tower of London was really cool--'m such a history dweeb--though I wish I could have seen ghosts. (Ghosts may or may not be real I still haven't figured out how I feel about them.) And we saw the opera, La Cinerentola, and that was so good.
Definetly moving to Europe one day. Even for just a while.

Now I'm home, and I'm glad to be home, but there's trouble.
I want to see freaking Xander. We had it all planned out. And dad said yes but of course mom said no. And I'm not fucking 12 years old anymore, and I should just assert my independence and go for it. But she's holding my college trust fund over my head, which is fucking low if you ask me, so I'm too scared to cross that line.
But I miss him and I want to see him and it's fucking ridiculous that I can't, and might not be able to for months. I'm so frustrated.
God please not months.  Seriously, fuck Suzanne sometimes.

Xander you will wear knit sweaters by the time I am done with you and you will like them. Love them.

woop woop!

2007-12-26T19:21:57Z

I'm leaving for Paris in two hours.

And my past years' troubles culminated into one very anti-climactic moment.
I've got him.
It's even on facebook so it's super official.
(If I liked smileys I'd totally put about 5 right now. smile smile smile.)

Now to tell the fam. And then to see him. And then to whatever!

The bad news is, I still have about 7 college essays to write while I'm in France. I am such a good procrastinator.

Merry Freaking Christmas and a Happy New Year!

funny story

2007-12-24T07:30:01Z

tonight, we hung out at joey's.

midway through the night, jordan and i decided we could really, really go for some cheetos.
joey didn't have any, so we pestered stephanie until she finally agreed to take us to dominicks.
so we pull up to dominicks and jordan and i get out of the car, and walk into the store.
and right through the doors, sitting there just beyond the threshold,
is a single cart, which is completely empty, save for one bag of cheetos.
if that isn't a freaking sign i don't know what is.

so, days like this, i believe in fate.

(that story is so much better when i tell it out loud.)

p.s... no no. this will not do. without trust, there can be no love. i need his trust.